Episode Six - My Thoughts

An open letter to The Weaver Clan.

by Allegra J. Lingo

Dear Weavers,

I realized tonight that I miss the good ol' days from episodes of yore (well, fourteen days ago) when I just thought you were really stupid. Like, an inbred Forrest Gump kinda dumb. But tonight, we just learned so many things about you that I'm ready to dock myself 100 points in the pool for picking you as one of my four teams. Sigh.

Ma Weaver, good call on tonight's episode title quote, "I'm sick of doing stuff I can't do." I have a feeling you didn't just mean driving stick or getting your van out of the mud. Maybe raising respectful children? That seems to be something you've got a problem with. Whose fault is it that you have daughters that admit they were raised not to trust other people? That must be that platinum rule they forgot to put in the Bible, making it worth more than the Golden Rule of "do unto others as you would have them do unto you", because I'm fairly certain you wouldn't want people doing the following:

• Making fun of someone for their profession (Papa Paolo) and standing in front of their company car (well, I can't say too much about that because I just did that last week).
• When teams tell you "Good luck, it's harder than hell" (Megan Linz) your answer is, naturally, "They're lying. We'll show them."
• Calling everything, including an inanimate object (the volcano), retarded.
• Demonstrating a level of maturity Carissa Gaghan achieved upon conception, exemplified when responding to the yield by dissing every other team to make yourself feel better, and asking how much the Godlewski sisters' boobs cost. Although, I have a feeling this was actually a serious inquiry, because what I see in the future for these two daughters is a lifetime of hotpants, bikers, and bad run-ins with hair dye (well, they got the hotpants and hair dye woes already).

It's nice to know that you think highly of yourself, especially when you say "We're Christians and we're above them." Very Jesus like. Except, my Jesus hung out with the prostitutes and lepers. I have a feeling you wouldn't be doing that any time soon. You are to Christianity what the Hindenburg was to transatlantic airship travel. You totally bypassed snarky (a compliment, in my book) and went straight to snotty fuckwad (there's just no other word to use right there). For a minute, I thought you were going to drive off and leave your kids to fend for themselves and their camera crew, relying on Rolly's fluent Mirnish (two new entrieds: "righto" and "lefto") to get you back home. I guess God' guides you until you get stuck in the mud, huh?

So, WWJD? I think He'd kick some Weaver ass. I found myself wondering if there's a national sanitation worker's union, because if there is, I don't think you're ever getting pick-up again. And remember, it's not cool to make fun of someone for being a garbage man when your dad got killed clearing debris (or did you not know what that word meant?).

So, I close with a line from Dennis Leary:

Lady, your husband isn't dead. He's hiding.

And on with some other random thoughts:

Gaghans

• Dude, you guys were not supposed to go out so soon! It's sad, sniff, now I'm moving on.
• Carissa was totally cute getting ready to run to Costa Rica, if need be (she probably would have gotten there the same time her mom got done with the roadblock).
• Likewise-cuteness goes to Billy being a little monster in the back of the van.
• Coffee Beans? Totally the new Haystacks. Those were definitley not cool beans (please don't hit me, Anton and Peter!).
• Why didn't Carissa do the roadblock? I totally thought she would, especially after they've spent every episode telling Carissa "nice eyes" on spotting all the flags and stuff. That would have been awesome.
• The shot of Carissa on the dark, deserted streets of San Jose, clutching the water bottle? That was straight out of "Oliver Twist: Costa Rica".

Paolos

• You came in first? Again? Good lord! I do hope that at least DJ and Mama choose the Segway people movers. How awesome would that be to see them chasing each other around and shouting on those down the Atlantic City Boardwalk or something?!
• I admit, I'm starting to like these dudes. Jerry Maguire might have had Renee Zellwegger at "hello", but they had me at "I'm coming!" "Yeah? So is Christmas."
• These dudes also had the (mis)fortune to run into the best drunk local this side of Iceland. Yeah!
• I noticed for the first time tonight that DJ and Jonathan - excuse me, he-who-must-not-be-named - wear the same brand of clothing? Coincidence? I think not. Don't believe me? Check it out for yourselves.

Godlewskis

• Oh, boo hoo. You lost all your money. And then you got some again. I do think, however, this is the first time that any local has answered "I don't have money. I have love." EWWWWWWWWWWWWWW. Apparently he didn't see them last week with their underwear on their head.
• Good line, one of your shrieking harpies, with "Could we get cinco dinero? Viente would be fine, too." That made me laugh.
• That's all I wrote about you. Now stop fighting and keep in the race. And do something interesting.

Bransens

• You don't know what a relic is? Sad, sad, sad.
• That's all I wrote down about you. Now go do something good.

Linzes

• Apparently, I thought you were really boring last night, because I didn't write down anything about you. See second bullet points to the Godlewskis and Bransens.

Ethnic Greeter

• Was your biological clock ticking or something? You just looked like the saddest thing having to help philiminate the Gaghan kids. Seriously. Go back and check out the tape (if you taped it) of her face. It's awesome.

Yield History

Well, the Yield that has never played a significant role in the Race makes its first appearance. For those of you who are not Weaver or Paolo fans, this is not the best news if you want to see either of those teams gone.

• In Race 5, Chip and Kim yielded Colin and Christie. Chip and Kim came in first place, Colin and Christie second.
• In Race 6, two yields were used. Adam and Rebecca first Yielded Freddy and Kendra, and then Freddy and Kendra got them back and yielded Adam and Rebecca. Freddy and Kendra came in first place, Adam and Rebecca came in third.
• In Race 7, Rob and Amber yielded Ron and Kelly. Rob and Amber came in second, Ron and Kelly came in third.

Will the use of the Yield which makes no difference continue to serve as a predictor for good race results? Tune in next week, when Mama Weaver continues to go batshit crazy and Papa Paolo nearly drowns.

Scrappy (or, as the below picture from Halloween would seem to indicate, Harry Potter), signing off.